You know, there are just some times when you know you've fucked up, y'know? It's those times that you just think to yourself, "Wow, I am an idiot. Why the hell did I do something like that?" Yeah, that's what I feel like right now. And I feel like shit to, because it was so stupid, and it may have fucked a lot of things up. I feel like putting a drill through my brain, yes, it's that bad. What seemed like a good idea at a time is complete stupidity afterwards. I wonder if I'm actually doing this to myself on purpose sometimes, sabotaging every damn relationship I get in. Maybe I feel some sort of misplaced guilt, that others deserve better. I don't know. Doesn't really matter. It doesn't excuse anything. Doesn't change what's happened. Doesn't make me less angry at myself. What's sad is that I don't know any way of changing it. I just...URGH! If I could throttle myself in third person, I would. And now I just want to cuddle under the blankets, hiding in the warmth and the dark, away from the world, alone.

I hate this. I was once someone different, years ago, but I've changed. I can't stand it. I don't like who I was, but I don't like who I am now either. I hate constantly changing, moving on to something new, but I hate staying in the same place as well. It doesn't make any sense, I know, but it just is. I hate this history, and I dread the future. I feel as though I have no damn refuge, no safe place to hide from myself. Everything that I love seems to crumble and die, and I know it's my own damn fault. And the thing is, I can't forgive myself for that. I can't. It doesn't matter what other people think or say, I simply can't focus on the images that are flashing by. I want to break. I want to snap in half, overcome by the pressure, but I still keep standing, still keep moving. I want to fall down on my knees and beg for help, but I can't. I feel as though I have to fix it all, even though it's impossible to change the past. It's stupid, I know, but I fucking hate it. What's worst is that the people that I could talk to about this, that I feel could understand me when I tell them this, the people who wouldn't mind me crying on their shoulder: I've already pushed them away.

...I’m probably going to lie staring at the ceiling for the rest of the night....

...and now I feel like throwing up....



EDIT: And what makes this situation all the much better is knowing how she's lied to me.